The Hairy Truth: The Do's and Don'ts of Growing Facial Hair

It’s a curious thing, facial hair. Sometimes it looks good, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you see forty year old men that can’t grow anything past peach fuzz, and sometimes you see eighth graders with a full blown mustache and inevitable five o’clock shadow. The only thing is, there are very few types of men that can truly pull off facial hair.

When you think about it, facial hair is pretty multifarious. Like an abundant species of the animal kingdom, it cannot be categorized as a single, monolithic, mass, but must instead be appreciated for the diversity it harbors on each manly (and at times womanly) face of which it graces. The following is list comprised of the do’s and don’ts of growing facial hair, signed, sealed, and delivered by yours truly.

1.  Never grow a mustache. It doesn’t look good...ever. You’ll either end up looking like the Monopoly man or Tom Selleck, neither of which would I assume anyone would strive to resemble. (see video for image of future self with mustache)

2.  Unless you’re an extremely attractive middle aged man, don’t try to grow stubble if it’s a different color than your actual hair. You’ll look creepy. I guarantee it.

3. If it takes longer than two days to grow a significant amount of stubble, don’t grow it. Period. Because chances are, it’s just peach fuzz that you’re foolishly classifying as stubble to make yourself feel like a man. Delusion is the worst disease.

4. Going off of the above comment, never grow peach fuzz. It is, was, and always will be unattractive. The only time when such a furry intrusion of the face is ever acceptable is in the case of confused pre-teen boys still trying to figure out how to shave without missing a spot.

5. Never grow hair on your face that’s longer than the hair on your head. Or, if you happen to be a man with a longer than average head of hair, just don’t grow it out at all. It’s obvious you can’t control yourself when it comes to hair and/or personal grooming.

Well, that came out a bit more harsh than intended, but what can I say? It’s the hairy truth, and it’s what we do. 

--Priscilla Lin